Love Language 3 – Receiving Gifts

A gift is tangible meaning or visual sign that you love and care about your spouse. A gift can also mean your presence is important especially at important times such as a birth of a child and may mean you might have to sacrifice some of your own desires. Find out specifically what makes your spouse feel happy.   

Love Language 4 – Acts of Service

Acts of services have to do with helping and doing things for your spouse. It means doing the things that are important to your husband or wife and not demanding or nagging that things be done. We do not criticize them on how the task is done especially if they haven’t done it before. 

Acts of service are practical things that your spouse would like to see done – whether it is household chores, working in the backyard, planning a vacation, changing diapers, etc.

Love Language 5 – Physical Touch

Physical touch includes kissing, hugging, hand-holding, massaging, gentle touch to different parts of the body, sexual intercourse.  Find out what touch feels good to your husband or wife – not all touches are considered pleasant or stimulating.

Well, I didn’t think this was going to happen, but I bought a smartphone.  I tooled around with it for 1 ½ hours one night, getting it activated and ready to use.  The other night I browsed through several apps and downloaded several of them including Angry Birds (hilarious and addictive by the way).  I was never drawn that strongly to my phone in the past probably because I just saw it as a practical way to keep in touch with family and friends.  My phone did not take up a big chunk of my life.

I can see why anyone would get hooked to their phones, video game systems, Facebook, texting, etc.  It’s too easy.  It starts out just a few minutes and then suddenly hours pass. You can’t break away from it.  You blow off family members, appointments, basic responsibilities. You may forget about sleeping and eating. Your life revolves around this “obsession”.  It becomes the most important thing to you.

As I have said in a previous blog, there is nothing inherently “bad” about the activities I just listed above.  They do serve a purpose in life. But they are just a part of our lives, not the whole pie.  Those activities become a problem when our lives are limited to those things at the cost of relationships, work, school, social life, hobbies, etc.

Having balance in life can be challenging.  It is important to take time to decompress, get way from those things that we allow to eat up a lot of our time – not just electronic stuff but it could be work, hobbies, socializing with our friends, shopping and so forth.  Maybe we need to figure out why just certain activities command so much of our time and energy (avoiding or escaping a problem, boredom). Set limits on certain activities and make time for other things that you have put on the back burner.  You may find those other things are just as enjoyable as your “obsession”.

Celebrating Success

In many busy lives, people respond to many demands.  With too much to do and never enough hours in the day, there are always a few mistakes. 

You may be one of the people racing around trying to do it all and missing a few key items in the haste.  Do you kick yourself when that happens?  Does making a mistake set you back from your sense of accomplishment and purpose?  Becoming self-critical can sap your energy and lead to eroding self-esteem.

When was the last time you celebrated what you did get done?  How often do you recognize that sometimes you cannot do it all?  Creating a more realistic approach to your expectations can relieve some of the pressure and it can also increase your sense of effectiveness.  If you want to increase your energy, add a little success celebration to the list.

When building your “to-do” list, put in a few special treats to mark how well you are accomplishing what you need to do.  These little celebrations can be fun and free things that only take a few minutes.  Create success celebration steps along the way in big projects too.  It helps improve motivation, increases the quality of your effort and it makes it easier to feel the progress of tackling something big in a sequence of steps.  Of course, when you accomplish major goals or complete large projects, the celebration of success will be a big deal.

Couples and co-workers can help each other by keeping conversation positive and uplifting.  During busy times, this can help everyone function well.  Surprise the other person by adding a success celebration to the day.  The little things matter when there is a lot to accomplish.

The success celebrations are also a sweet motivation within families and for children.  Keep the tasks and rewards in a similar range of value if you want to build the effectiveness.  Over time, you can even decrease the frequency of the rewards as children mature and then the celebration can become more valuable.  With young children, the rewards need to be consistent and timed so the reinforcement closely follows the behavior.  Be creative, make it fun and involve everyone in the process.  Let us know how your family celebrates.  What are your favorite free motivators?  Here is an article with 50 fun things for teens.  It might help you start your own list.

Celebrating success is important for motivation, mastering self-discipline and gaining self-confidence.  It provides energy and reduces stress, perfectionism and the tedious aspects of having a lot to accomplish.

Margaret Cook, M.Ed., Licensed Professional Counselor

Life Coach 

As I was doing my Amazon.com search for new books and music, I came across a CD entitled “Beauty Will Rise” by Steven Curtis Chapman.  The songs on the CD talk about Chapman’s journey after his adopted daughter’s accidental death.  He shares his struggles, his anguish, his doubts, his faith and his hope.

Maybe some of us (like myself) seemed removed from tragedies like an accidental death of a child, suicide, murder, natural disasters (e.g., the New Orleans hurricane, the Joplin tornado which claimed many lives), or the 9/11 terrorist attack, which makes us so horrified about the death, damage, and destruction to people’s lives.  Unless the tragedy is happening to us, we don’t get a real sense of how it really impacts us.  We can’t begin to understand the depth of the situation, our words, thoughts fail to capture the essence of it.

We know that people feel shock, guilt, anguish, pain, lost, doubt etc.  Those who are directly impacted wonder if they will ever get over the event, being emotionally ripped apart.  They wrestle with all sorts of emotions and ask the “what if” questions.  Some scream, beg, plead for the situation to change, to make the pain go away. The grieving can go one forever it seems.  Nothing really makes sense.  You may even question God’s goodness or waiver in your faith in Him.  All of this is completely normal.

Healing begins when we face the reality that a horrible thing has happened and your loved one is not coming back. It’s hard to believe any “good” can come from personal tragedy.  I believe people can benefit from group work by listening to other’s stories, so they don’t feel alone in their grief.  Other people can understand your feelings, the trials you are going through. 

Considering the Stages of Change

Changing for the better is sometimes difficult, but it can lead to a sense of self-assurance in a healthy way.  Maybe you are considering a lifestyle change for your health.  Perhaps you are thinking about increasing your commitment to exercise, eat well and give up harmful habits.  Maybe you want to improve your communication habits with loved ones or become more organized.  Whatever your goal is that will make your life better, you are realizing it is important to you to make a commitment to change.

You might find it helps to plan the changes and it could help to consider a process or a model that describes the stages of change.  One model is the Stages of Change or the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change. 

The Transtheoretical Model describes five stages: 

1.       Precontemplation

2.       Contemplation

3.       Preparation

4.       Action

5.       Maintenance

The first stage is before you are really considering making a change.  You have information about a lifestyle, but have not really considered adopting it on a personal level.  When you move to Contemplation, you start thinking about what it would mean for you to change.  You start considering the good reasons that you would like to be different and make a change.  In the third stage, Preparation, you begin planning how you would make the change.  In the fourth stage, Action, you begin to make the changes you planned and to experience the benefits of your different choices.  In the last change, Maintenance, you continue the new behaviors so that you are able to continue the new lifestyle. 

Stages Overview graph used with permission © 2011 Pro-Change Behavior Systems Inc.

If you are reading this article, it is likely that you are past the first stage.  If you read the other article, I wrote about change, you might be preparing to make changes in your life.  Gathering information can help you identify information, you will need to make a plan and follow through.  You may learn better in a class or having the support of other people who are making a change.

Families In Focus offers seminars, support groups and coaching to help people at almost any stage of change.  If the change is necessary for your mental health, you may need counseling.  However, you may have changes that you decide to pursue to make your life better.  We can help. 

See our new list of upcoming seminars on Eventbrite.  You can register online or mail a check.

 We look forward to helping you succeed.

Your Relationship with Money 10/15/2011

Homework Family Tips – Homework that works for everyone 11/12/2011

In-Laws, Family and Holidays 12/6/2011

Goal Attainment in 2012 1/14/2012

Romance Renewal 2/11/2012

We also have a complimentary one-hour monthly tele-support group for caregivers (registration required and long distance charges may apply). Click here for dates and times:

Caregiver Support Call

Margaret Cook, M.Ed., Licensed Professional Counselor

Life Coach

Making A Change

 You might think that change is hard.  A Greek philosopher proposed that change is inevitable when he said, “Nothing is permanent except change.”

 In coaching and counseling, people come in for help to make changes.  They often explain it as a response to something that has changed outside of them.  Usually, the change is unwelcome and the feelings they associate with the changes are upsetting in some way. 

 What changes are you experiencing?  Are you taking on new responsibilities in the workplace or at home?  Have you recently moved or experienced a change in work or life roles?  Did someone important to you experience a major change that had an effect on your life? Maybe the change involves your schedule, or your family commitments (i.e., going back to school).

 We all experience change all the time.  Can you learn ways to make the adjustments effectively?  Learning new coping skills and change efficiency may improve your outlook on life. Learning to make changes might allow you to adjust your beliefs and responses so that things are more manageable and less upsetting. 

 Consider the following ten steps for a personal change checkup: 

1.       Make a quick list of the changes you have experienced in the past month (you can make lists for the last six months, twelve months, etc.)

2.       Mark each item on your list as “I” if it was a change you Initiated or “R” if it was a change that you responded to that you did not initiate

3.       Mark each item as “+” or “-“ to signify if you considered the effect of the change was positive or negative (you might mark some with both)

4.       Take a quick tally.  Are there more “I” and “+” changes on your list?

5.       Turn the page over and make a quick list of changes in your life that you would like to initiate for yourself in the next month.

6.       Add a few ideas of the positive advantages for each change

7.       Prioritize the list in terms of the change you think would make the biggest difference in your life

8.       Identify one change to work on and make a list of all of the things that hold you back from making the change you want

9.       Make a list of the steps you would need to take to successfully make the change you want (the more specific you are, the more successful you may be)

10.   Work the plan and reward your success along the way.

 If making changes is difficult for you, see if improving your planning helps.  Next week I will share a model for change that might help.  If you need to make changes for the sake of your health, family, work or other aspect of your well-being and you are often immobilized, consider obtaining professional help.

 A professional relationship allows you to work together with someone to take more control over the change process and over the responses that you have to change.  The responses you have emotionally may become a source of positive motivation, or they may make it difficult for you to adjust.  Learning new ways to understand the changes in your life can improve your success and joy in living.

Margaret Cook, M.Ed., Licensed Professional Counselor

Life Coach

I’m sure you are all aware of politicians, Hollywood personalities, sports superstars (or superduds), company executives who make news headlines, because they did something that we might consider immoral, unethical, or dishonest.  We get caught up in their stories, maybe even find them humorous or intoxicating. Unfortunately, we find these same stories happening in our own backyards involving people we know.

Some of the immoral, unethical, dishonest behavior we observe include

*greed in pursuit of wealth, status, power for one’s self

*taking advantage of someone for one’s personal gain

*accepting bribes/kickbacks

*seeking revenge on others

*lying because one doesn’t want to be ridiculed, made a scapegoat, or to protect someone’s feelings

*improper financial reporting – hiding or glossing over problems

*not following company policies or breaking local/state/federal laws

*self-aggrandizement – inflating yourself to be more important or powerful than you really are, believing your are “better” than others

Of course, none of us are perfect.  We have all made mistakes, bad choices, blunders in our lives. Hopefully, we have ltaken responsibility, learned and moved on.  I think some of us are oblivious or in total denial that we have done anything wrong.  We find justification or make excuses for our actions. Or we may compromise our values so we get what we want.

Having integrity means (examples)……….

*standing up to what is right

*fair distribution of wages, resources, people

*being kind and respectful towards others even if we don’t like them

*admitting we are at fault or we made a mistake

*when a mistake/error is in our favor, giving back what is not rightfully ours

*following laws, policies, ethical standards, etc because we know they are good for us

*staying true to our word

*being humble, knowing we are not better than others

Integrity means we do the right thing even if no one notices, no matter how small the decision is, no matter who we are dealing with, no matter if we’re dealing with gray areas.  It takes only few bad choices to quickly to veer off course.  Being dishonest or immoral has its consequences and those consequences will eventually unfold and spell bad news.

Parents’ Day

Consider the effect parents have in the life of children.  The commitment and nurturing support of parents has a profound impact on the development of children.  Celebrating Parents’ Day on the fourth Sunday of July is an opportunity for families to talk about the positive experiences they have with parents and parenting.  Families may include many relationships including biological, foster and step families.  Parents’ Day can also recognize other significant people who take part in the raising of children in some families. 

According to the National Parents’ Day Coalition, “Parents' Day provides an opportunity to recognize and promote parenting as a central vocation for our families and communities. More than just a time to celebrate, it is an occasion to make a statement about what is important in our society. It is a chance to create a positive tradition based on a core axiom – that the role of parents is crucial in the nurturing and development of children, and thus requires investment, focus, and commitment.”

Parenting resources can encourage parents in this important endeavor.  Reading books, attending classes and actively learning how to be the best parent to your child make the task a little easier.  Participating actively in programs like Parents As Teachers or the opportunities at your local church or school help provide meaningful and consistent experiences for children from an early age.  We live in the information age and there are more resources for parents available every day.  Take some time before school starts and read a book, attend a seminar or meet with other parents to change up your skills as a parent.  Consider looking into Positive Parenting practices if you are feeling like you need to re-tool your parenting skills.

If you are in the sandwich generation (aging parents and children at home) or the empty nesters, you may be celebrating your own parents.  Experiencing the shift in roles, as our parents get older is sometimes disconcerting and sometimes very stressful.  Support groups and learning from online resources can make the process easier to anticipate and planning can be more manageable.

If you have questions about parenting or about adjusting to changes in your role with your own parent, post a comment or send us an email.  We would love to hear from you.